I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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