her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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