you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
