Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
