i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
