She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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