i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
