Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
