Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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