Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You have to summon your inner elephant
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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