Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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