Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
