Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
