I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
