yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
