Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
