I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
