So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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