I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
