Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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