I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
wow bdsm is so cute
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
