If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
