It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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