i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
