Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
is it fun? or sober?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
