i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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