but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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