We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
