He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
