I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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