I just cut my nipple shaving
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
