Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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