One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
