my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
