hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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