Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
