It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Girls should come with a carfax report
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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