Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
