I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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