I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
