you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
