First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We have started to decorate penises.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
