Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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