I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
