the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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