4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
