so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So many bounce houses so little time
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
