First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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