he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
