i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
